I follow a lot of other bloggers’ blogs. I find it gives me inspiration for topics, it informs a lot of my stylistic choices — I would never have thought to bold things that I want to stick out on my own… and also — I have learned just how verbose and overly wordy I can be when I started reading others’ writing. 1000 words…. I can say that in 6000! haha… I digress.
I read a post just now… about five minutes ago… on OlivetoRun. I love this girl’s writing so much. She speaks to me. She pretty much slays me with her serious posts, and her confession posts make me laugh. Her workout ethic inspires me, and I just love following along with her. This makes me sound creepy and #awkwardfangirl ish…. but I promise, I just really admire her as a writer because I feel like she’s real.
Tonight’s post that fell into my inbox was about healthy being the new skinny. I opened it up, thinking to myself “there will be nothing new here — people have been saying this for a while now.”
I tell people I believe that… but when I really look into the core of who I am, I don’t. I would almost always rather be skinny than healthy if I got to choose. I’ve talked before about my own journey toward a goal weight, that ended disastrously in my almost controlling myself to an eating disorder. Disordered thinking ran rampant at the very best. (I can’t link it, I don’t remember what post it was.)
But read this…. read it twice if you have to to get it to sink in.
I read it, and I wonder how much of my poor self esteem and my poor body image and my self loathing every time I look in the mirror rub off on the precious minds of the beautiful young children that I teach. When I try to scooch through two chairs and don’t fit, and tell the kids jokingly that “I’m not that skinny” (even though I’ve never seen anyone who is skinny enough to fit between two back to back chairs that are almost touching), I wonder what kind of a message I send.
I wonder if any of them go home and think “I’m not that skinny, either.”
Maybe I’m being over dramatic.
But maybe I’m not.
And if my bad attitudes about food, weight, and self esteem negatively impact even one of those precious kids…. isn’t that enough damage?
I read the opening quote, “I weigh myself three times a day. Once when I get up, once when I get home, and once before bed.” and I thought “yeah… that’s bad… no one should be that dependent on the number on a scale… I check a few times a week, but…”
And I kept reading.
And when I read that that quote came out of the mouth of a ten year old girl, my heart broke. Shattered. I literally sat alone in my rec room and gasped for air for a second because I couldn’t fathom how a ten year old girl got to a place where she felt that she needed to make sure her weight was in check three times a day.
I don’t ever want to be even a contributing factor to a kid who feels like that.
I want to help kids see their pure beauty. The beauty within, and the beauty on the outside. I mean, when I look at people with a God-centered focus and I get rid of my worldly lens, I find it truly difficult to be able to label anyone ugly. It’s time I start looking at myself through that very same lens and I go back to trying to be healthy, rather than skinny….
I will not worship a number on a scale. I will not look in the mirror and call myself fat, ugly, or disgusting.
I will not make self deprecating jokes in front of my precious little kindergartens, grade 1s, and grade 2s…. especially the girls, but all of them. I refuse. I won’t contribute.
This ends here.
p.s. this was written Monday, October 21st. I have discovered the joy of being able to schedule the publishing of blog posts so that I can write four posts in 2 days and not release them all on top of one another. It’s amazing. (You might be a writer if….)