November 2013 has been the month where, unlike any other, I have battled with my voice. I’ve lost it as a result of a cold a few times before, but never as frequently and for so long as I have this month. I was without it for nearly two weeks between a concert and a cold. I JUST had it back last week…… but…. it’s gone again. Well, I have half of it. I got another cold. I’m a victim of working in an elementary school with little little kids.
The thing is… my voice is really important to me. It’s hard to teach with no voice.
Even bigger than that, though…. I sing. As often as I can. All the time. In the car, in the shower, at church, at school, while cleaning. Whenever I can.
This morning at church, my step Dad leaned over during worship and whispered “it must be killing you not to be singing right now!”
And it was.
But it made me do something I don’t normally do.
I had to listen. I had to worship with my heart while listening to the words, which is harder to do than I thought it would be. I had to focus on the words and what they say and mean instead of just singing. I find it can be so easy during worship to just sing without really thinking the words through, but that doesn’t work when you can’t get enough sound out of your vocal chords to sing a note. What you can do, though, is focus on the lights, the other people, the sound booth, and everything going through your brain. It takes real intentionality to be able to have a worshipful spirit when you can’t get words out of your mouth.
I found I was able to quiet my thoughts and my heart down, and I was able to realize the beauty in the words that everyone around me was singing. But it took the first two songs of distractedly looking around before I could do it.
It was these words that finally got me:
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm
He is my light, my strength, my SONG. My song. Jesus is my song. My voice doesn’t have to sing. My spirit can. I can focus with my heart, and Jesus knows what’s there. Worship doesn’t have to just be with my voice. Worship is the very act of letting God know how worthy He is of my praise. I can do that without my voice. And it’s like it just hit me this morning….
Though, while I’m mentioning it, I would REALLY like my voice back any day now… I miss it.