Look in the mirror. Does the person you see match the person you feel like on the inside? How much stock do you put in appearances? (WordPress prompt)
I have to be honest. I wasn’t going to write this prompt (it’s from two days ago). It strikes me as just the kind of thing that takes away from my One Word for this year (value) and makes me focus too much on outward appearance. But I came across some pictures that are a few years old today, and they pretty much broke my heart. Let me tell you why.
I don’t like to put too much stock in appearances. Or at least…. I like to think that I don’t like to put too much stock in appearances. But I think that when I am really honest, I actually put a lot of emphasis on it. And it bothers me how much emphasis I do seem to lay there in my life.
You see, here’s the deal…. I’ve written about my struggle with weight before. I’ve written about my struggle with self esteem before… I’ve even tried writing love letters to my body…. I’ve struggled with both of these things fairly consistently since I was 8-10 years old, and it pains me to admit that, but it’s true. And I don’t know how to fight it.
Sometimes it feels like the voices in my head that tell me I’m fat and ugly and not worth anything have gone away… and then sometimes they show back up, and they pop back in, and they mess with my brain, and they make me want to hide.
Today is one of those ‘I want to hide’ days. I truly do.
I was going through some pictures in iPhoto, trying to select some that I needed to print for a Grade 1 Science project for tomorrow. I scrolled too far back, and ended up scrolling through the pictures of trying on bridesmaid dresses for my Mom’s wedding… almost three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog at all, you know that I recently had a bit of a debacle with dress fitting… because my brother’s getting married and I’m in the wedding party… and I’m a size 18. Well, I found these pictures from when we were trying on dresses for my Mom’s wedding… of me in the dresses I was loving life in… because I was thin. I hadn’t done it properly… I know that… but I was thin.
But I still thought I was fat.
I remember being very self conscious that day because my arms were flabby and I still didn’t like my legs. I look at the pictures now, and I wonder how I ever thought it would be a good idea to trade that body for food… but that’s precisely what I’ve done, because now I need to start all over, and I want to… but it’s so disheartening to know that I did it once… and now I have to do it again.
I don’t know what the solution is other than to give it back to God yet again, and to ask Him to help me see my own value. And I’m not saying that isn’t a good idea… I know that’s a good plan… I just wish I could stay rooted there. I never seem to stay rooted there… and then everything comes sneaking back.
I know I’m supposed to be seeing value here… but I’m struggling with that tonight.
So… long story short, yes, I suppose I do put stock in appearances… but more in my own than in anyone Else’s.
I am feeling defeated tonight. Please pray for me. That is all.