Mirror Mirror

Look in the mirror. Does the person you see match the person you feel like on the inside? How much stock do you put in appearances? (WordPress prompt)

I have to be honest.  I wasn’t going to write this prompt (it’s from two days ago).  It strikes me as just the kind of thing that takes away from my One Word for this year (value) and makes me focus too much on outward appearance.  But I came across some pictures that are a few years old today, and they pretty much broke my heart.  Let me tell you why.

I don’t like to put too much stock in appearances.  Or at least…. I like to think that I don’t like to put too much stock in appearances.  But I think that when I am really honest, I actually put a lot of emphasis on it.  And it bothers me how much emphasis I do seem to lay there in my life.

You see, here’s the deal…. I’ve written about my struggle with weight before.  I’ve written about my struggle with self esteem before… I’ve even tried writing love letters to my body…. I’ve struggled with both of these things fairly consistently since I was 8-10 years old, and it pains me to admit that, but it’s true.  And I don’t know how to fight it.

Sometimes it feels like the voices in my head that tell me I’m fat and ugly and not worth anything have gone away… and then sometimes they show back up, and they pop back in, and they mess with my brain, and they make me want to hide.

Today is one of those ‘I want to hide’ days.  I truly do.

I was going through some pictures in iPhoto, trying to select some that I needed to print for a Grade 1 Science project for tomorrow.  I scrolled too far back, and ended up scrolling through the pictures of trying on bridesmaid dresses for my Mom’s wedding… almost three years ago.  If you’ve been following my blog at all, you know that I recently had a bit of a debacle with dress fitting… because my brother’s getting married and I’m in the wedding party… and I’m a size 18.  Well, I found these pictures from when we were trying on dresses for my Mom’s wedding… of me in the dresses I was loving life in… because I was thin.  I hadn’t done it properly… I know that… but I was thin.

IMG_0724 IMG_0743 IMG_0748

But I still thought I was fat.

I remember being very self conscious that day because my arms were flabby and I still didn’t like my legs.  I look at the pictures now, and I wonder how I ever thought it would be a good idea to trade that body for food… but that’s precisely what I’ve done, because now I need to start all over, and I want to… but it’s so disheartening to know that I did it once… and now I have to do it again.

I don’t know what the solution is other than to give it back to God yet again, and to ask Him to help me see my own value.  And I’m not saying that isn’t a good idea… I know that’s a good plan… I just wish I could stay rooted there.  I never seem to stay rooted there… and then everything comes sneaking back.

I know I’m supposed to be seeing value here… but I’m struggling with that tonight.

So… long story short, yes, I suppose I do put stock in appearances… but more in my own than in anyone Else’s.

I am feeling defeated tonight.  Please pray for me.  That is all.


11 thoughts on “Mirror Mirror

  1. I was a bridesmaid and maid of honor 8 times. Lots of dresses that I remember trying on and freaking out on. Only my sisters did I like as It was a navy blue and flattered my figure. I look at one to this day that was red satin with white and red bows and I swear I look like a saloon girl. I know she loved the dress, and that is all that really matters, as I was the only one beating myself up over it. When i got married, I told my girls to wear whatever they wanted as i hated the feeling and expense of having a dress in my closet that i wouldn’t wear again. PS. Love the pictures, you are lovely just as you are.

    1. I’ll be doing the same thing — I like the idea of picking a colour and saying “I want them to be long” (because I do), and that being the only criteria. I think Bridesmaid dress shopping is way too stressful than it needs to be for most women, and I don’t think it’s ok that it be that way. Thanks for reading 🙂

  2. Laura, thank you for sharing this…I appreciate your vulnerability so much. I feel like I could have written this post myself….I have put on some weight in the last 2 years and am struggling to get it off. I look at pictures from a few years ago when I was at my thinest, and I think why on earth wasn’t I happy with my body then? I would give anything to be that weight again. But at the time I felt fat and ugly. So, I am right there with you in the trenches, battling to find value in who I am, despite how much I weigh. You are not alone in this struggle….we have to have people struggling alongside us to remind us that the number on the scale or the size of the pants does not determine our worth. You are loved just the way you are!

    1. Thanks Darc! I am right alongside you as well. I completely agree… why I couldn’t be happy at a size 8 I haven’t a clue… because I looked fantastic, and I don’t know how I couldn’t see it… Thanks for chiming in. And thanks for Truth!

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