I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve stared at this blank “new post” screen probably 8 times in the last week. I sit and I stare at it. I might write the first paragraph of this post, and then I chicken out and I delete it. We’ll see where I get today.
I’ve come to the conclusion recently that I am a great big chicken. In life. In pretty much everything that I do… I’m just scared. I’ve been feeling restless and uneasy and it all boils down to this: I’m terrified of my life. Maybe not terrified. Maybe that’s extreme. I’m generally apprehensive of my life. That’s better.
I know I haven’t been given a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). I get that this does not come from God, and that I should be fighting this with everything in me (partnered WITH God). But I don’t seem to be able to bring myself to do it.
Know what I’m scared of?
Everything. Well, and…. Change.
You see…. things keep changing. But I want them to stay the same.
My friends get engaged, they get pregnant, they get married, they go back to school, they get into serious relationships, they get new jobs, they move away, we never talk anymore…. these things just happen.
I got a new job. Now I have to face my fear of driving in the winter because some of the schools I have to go to are 75-80 km away from my house. Each direction. And right on Lake Erie. That means snow storms! And that means fear. And I don’t like it.
I’m afraid to follow wholeheartedly after God because I’m afraid of what He might ask me to do. I just spent an entire summer at Camp where I was supposed to learn and grow, and instead I stayed the same. I sat in my comfort zone and wouldn’t let myself leave it because… well… it’s scary.
And now I have this new job, and I’ve left my work friends, and I feel a touch like I’m in over my head. And I don’t know how to process that because in 2014-2015 I was comfortable. And now I’m not.
I’m afraid to try to play the guitar because what if it’s too hard? Even though I learned to play the violin as an adult… my skills combined with God’s faithfulness in the past has proven that I legit have nothing to be afraid of, and that fear isn’t worth the effort or the hassle… yet here I am.
I’m afraid to try dating because… well that’s a whole other world of crazy right there. Every time I do it I seem to end up with nothing but ridiculous stories that would make me more of a successful author than a successful wife.
If you read this blog and you know me personally, please don’t feel like you need to call me and say “I read your blog.” I am working through this. But if you know me personally, you also know that I write better than I think or talk (which I don’t understand but whatever), and that this is how I process. I am processing. I don’t need to talk about it, because I’m doing the equivalent of that right now.
Fun Fact: I’m also afraid to hit publish because this feels like a big confession right now… that I’m scared of everything… but it feels kind of like if I don’t hit publish and put it out there for the world to see and comment on (all 18 of you who actually read my posts…) then I’m going to have to pay someone for a therapy session where I sit and fumble my way through explaining this less articulately, when I could have just spat it out in writing on the interwebz and achieved the same result. (longest sentence ever, man alive… maybe I’m not even a good writer…)
Ok…. time to hit
publish save draft and go have a shower. Cuz…. I might as well mull on this some more.